:-(

Whimper. Cry.

Too fat.

HATE HATE HATE HATEHATEHATE buffets.

Drank a Monster to stay up playing Diablo. I'm still twitching.
Hope the caffeine wears off soon so I can get some sleep. At least, that's the theory.

Night.

A Thousand

So I did great today. I burned a lot of calories on the treadmill and I only had a little over 1,000 calories. Woohoo! So I'm gonna go eat a cookie.

The art musuem claimed it was open but it was really lying. Only a few galleries were actually open, mainly the Armor Court which I can wait to see in any case, I've been there so many times.

The XBox is very addicting. I'm borrowing Left 4 Dead, while I got Mass Effect from my uncle for Christmas, and I bought Halo, Dynasty Warriors V, and Shadowbox (or something like that). I'm gonna be having a lot of fun here! There's too many fun things to do!

Still cynical about love. Mum says its because I got out of my last relationship so recently. It's been four months now. Yes, that's recent in the sceme of things, but so much has happened since then it feels like a lifetime ago. I just don't see any happy endings of other relationships. Not that my current relationship is bad in any way: I like him, he likes me, I like his dog, he likes my dog. I can be very unhealthy I know because I get so focused. If reading is my focus, I read from dawn till dusk. If homework, I have no social life. If games, I forget to eat. If eating, I go crazy. I'm trying hard not to be bossy because I know if I don't watch myself I'm a real bitch. I think I'm coming across as wishy-washy though... so hard to find a balance. Point is, I just like being around him.

All for now.

Fudge

Sans the fudge, today was alright food-wise.

An old friend came to visit today :-). I'm already wishing break was longer, but then, it wouldn't be break then, would it?

I'm getting a head start on my history of the theatre text, and reading up on my Principles of Directing books. I never got to take that class, which is required for graduation, so I'm taking Advanced Directing instead, which is going to be a really tough course. So it's no surprise I'm desperately playing catch-up.

Plenty of reading material of the fun sort here too. I'm reading Ironside and Watchmen right now, with the intent of finally finishing that last Harry Potter book. I got halfway through last time. I might make it the rest of the way now.

I'm feeling sufficiently fertilized I want to start writing again. Not sure if I want to write Chamma right now because mostly I'd be doing editing and I'm in a more creative mood. Worldbuilding, you know. I want to try a science-fiction fantasy mix, like the Copper Crown. Go with the theme "there's a little truth to everything". So angels are actually faeries, dragons, griffons, you name it, from outer space. So fantasy creatures are aliens who happen to be angels. All kinds and scary, to boot. "Angels" and "Demons" I think will refer to the seperate clans. Obviously angels will be the good guys, but I think there's gonna be two factions of angels. Maybe some Angels stayed with God, but now are going to fall. And some Fallen maybe come back to the light. The Fallen serve Lucifer. The Angels serve the Covenant (trying for old testiment kind of religion). They took the Arc. That's where it is! So a bunch of Jewish aliens are trying to shoot down Lucifer's goblins. Yep, I am making this up as I go along.

Rescue attempt of humans? Basically airlifting them in event of meteor? Like the army airlifted the tortoises when the volcano erupted in the Galapagos. That would be a very common story though. Innocent humans get swept up in intergalactic war. Need to find a fresh angle here. Innocent humans cause intergalactic war? There's a thought. But they've already done it. They've already done everything. Depressing thoughts, be banished!

All for now.

Oy

Buffet table. Did me in.

What is it with carrots, dip, and cheese?

Too many emotions, not enough time

I was 115.6 this morning. I'm happy with it. Step by step. Just need to cut 150 calories a day to achieve my goal (being 110 by May 1st). Definitely doable, so long as Christmas doesn't destroy me.

But I've been wrestling with things I can't do anything about. Unlike food.
-I hate the fact most people could smoosh me with their pinky. My love of daggers and knives and swords can't help my puny size. I have no martial arts skill, no firearms training, and a teeny bit of fencing that won't do me any good.
-I hate that I can't remember anything. I passed a friend's house three times before they waved to me where they were. That would have been ok but for the fact I've been there twice already. I can't remember anything and it scares me. Sure, I can learn lines. But my license plate number? The year of my car? My mother's phone number? Nope. Nada. I get so frustrated!
-I hate the fact that I'm a ditz. I realize that I am and it drives me crazy. I'm always leaving stuff behind, oblivious to everything around me, driving through red lights, forgetting people's names, doing stupid stuff and saying idiotic things.
-I hate that love never solves anything. I've been there, done that, don't want to do it again. It doesn't matter whether love is reciprocated, how far away it is, or how long it has lasted. This uncontrollable thing destroys friendships, lives, families... the one who acts out of love is far more dangerous than one that acts out of hate. Love is like a flower that blossoms for a brief moment, is beautiful, then withers and dies. The more we love the more our gardens look like graveyards.

All for now.

Day of Freedom

I'm very happy, I did very well today. I was 117 on the scale this morning but I know it's gonna be coming down. I hd 1400 calories today, burned over 1800. I didn't eat anything except oatmeal and a bit of candy from when I woke up at 9 till 6:30 when I got home. Victory dance!

Doing ok...

Alrighty, so I had pizza and other tasty foods, I haven't been counting and I know I've been eating to much, but I'm still at 116.8. Which isn't too bad I suppose. I said I'd go to someone's play tonight, and I should, and I kinda want to, but I'm also inexplicably tired, cheap, and I don't have anyone to go with. It's also out on the East Side. I'll go in January instead.

Not looking forward to moving onto campus. I pity my roommate. I want them to disappear. Although not having met them yet, the disappearing is working quite nicely. Maybe I won't have one!

Also now Facebook official w/Ryan. He's a very nice individual, and comes highly recommended. I like him. I suppose we'll see how long he wants to hang around. I'm just not used to this dating thing. Been out of it for a while. I'm fine with flirting, and I'm fine in a solid relationship. I'm not sure how to handle the in-between... on one hand, I want to spill my guts (which will either annoy him completely or send him running for the hils) and on the other, the flirty side, be indifferent. It takes patience. Patience? What's that?

I also got my grades back. A, A, A, A, and A-. The A- was from Single Source Video/Audio Editing. I'm disappointed a little but my brain tells me that I should be happy and thankful. ("why wasn't it an A... I could have gotten an A...")

Got a full load for next semester. Sixteen credit hours. But I'll talk about that more later.

A bad day... wait what?

I had a cookie, and Reese's Pieces, and Cookie Dough Bites... but still I made it only to the 1616 mark! Burned 2054! This makes me happy :-)

A Bad Day

I was doing well today until I got home and had the nibbles... I undid all my work from yesterday with tortillas, pb, and j. And cheese. :-(

A Good Day

This is what we call a good day, calorie-wise, average in other respects. I had under 1500 calories today and burned over 2000. Oh yeah! I'm looking forwards to getting on the scale in the morning.

I'm waiting for my laundry to get done, just got out a whole bunch of movies from the library. Break shouldn't be too terrible.

Survival

I will survive!

Did good calorie-wise today. Encouraged my this. Had a good day in general. Allowed myself to get hungry, a rare occurance. Was 118.8 this morning but it should get better, one step at a time.

Danger zones coming up: Thursday STAGE meeting and Saturday, all day.

Battle=Lost

Good news: I was 117.2 this morning by some fluke.

Bad news: I ate my weight in buffet at the party.

Hope of keeping myself under 120 through the holidays is fading. I have to get my act together, even if that means starting to skip parties. I'll figure out a way.

Very tired. Yes, it's my birthday, but I'm just soooo frustrated with myself. Happy Birthday to Me! Here's another pound for your belly! That lovely dress? Fuggitabotit!

Night of Dread

I've finally had enough of it.

I've been fighting compulsive eating disorder, whatever you want to call it, for far too long now. I'm 5' 2" and 119.2 pounds, as of yesterday. I'm gonna be a lot more tomorrow. Combine a Chinese buffet and Thanksgiving leftovers. Also known as, doom.

I'm gonna have to tackle eating buffet style in the future now. I guess it's bird by bird. I used to use this blog just as a personal journal. Now it's an eating journal. Read and weep.

I used to be 10 pounds. OK, I was also a baby. My ideal weight is 110 pounds, but I'm happy anywhere from 108-112. It's gonna be my new year's resolution. Just like last year. So in the last year I've managed from gaining weight, but I did hit 113 this summer. I'm very disappointed that I gained it all back, but now I'm determined to lose it.

I eat a lot, for the record. I mean, a LOT. My problems are these: I eat when I'm bored. I eat when I'm reading. I eat to take my mind off work. I eat when food is free. I eat when other people are eating. I eat when I think I might be tired because I haven't eaten. And I don't stop when I'm full, because I don't get full. Literally. I only hurt myself. I think I might have chemical/hormonal problem, when the signals get from my stomach get lost in translation.

Aiming for a better day tomorrow. At least no Chinese Buffet.

Only work (a restaurant) and a party. This'll be rich.