Live and Learn

Ai.

Uncertainty is this dog that's always yapping at my heels. I kick it but then I feel bad. Isn't uncertainly healthy is most things? Thinking before you jump?

I'm the kind of person who would rather follow my head than my heart but always ends up doing the opposite. Kind of the reverse of most people, I think.

I don't want to be a clingy girlfriend, I've been on the opposite end of clingyness and it is one of my least favorite things. Unfortutately I have this enthusiasm that jumps over my good sense and runs away with me. I don't know where the line is. I wish I could have a daily newsletter that would tell me the good things I did and the mistakes I made. I wish I knew all of them. I hate being so oblivious to it all. Hopefully people will just tell me when I screw up.

A TV special was on today at a friend's house about the 7 Deadly Sins, which got me thinking how I am about each one. Lust has never been an issue with me, I think. Gluttony is a big one for me. Greed, occasionally. Sloth, not too much. Wrath used to be a biggie of mine but now I never get angry anymore. It bothers me. I used to be so passionate about everything and now I feel like I'm coasting through life, kinda direction-less. I know what I want, or so I think. I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to want and what will make me happy. If there is anything. So much depends on luck and chance that I kind of despair sometimes. Dreams seem impossible and chance rules the universe. Envy is a problem with me, especially in theatre. I am SO competative. And Pride is my biggest one of all. I have a huge pride, and it's kind of backwards that I think if I make enough fun of myself it'll hide my huge head. I wish I could have a real clear view of myself but I have the feeling that I won't like what I see in the least.

I'm finally done with eating. I had my fun, and now I'm to the point where I feel like crying when I get dressed in the morning. Yup, time to diet. Big time.

I've got everything so good and I KNOW that, I feel like I can't give back. I'm blessed with a supportive family, savings, good friends, a roof over my head, the ability to go to school full-time without worrying about money, a budding career... my panic attacks are gone, my fits of rage have disappeared. I can swim underwater and I own a dog. I've got a healthy body and a (relatively) healthy mind. So I'm a little weird, a little short, a little needy... but I have NOTHING to complain about. And still someone who is happy all the time is either a) insane, or b)totally naive. Or both. The things I do have to worry about are fairly minor. So I worry about my friends (who doesn't?). So I worry about my folks (their health, their happiness). My school (I want an A in every class. I have no excuse for anything other than that.). My relationships (am I too clingy? too annoying? too distant? too nervous? too relaxed?).

And I worry waaay too much what people think about me. Vain. I know. I'm trying to stop it.

So the fight against the cafeteria begins. *deep breath* I already feel like crying (which I never do offstage). Well, once in a great long while. I usually get it all out onstage. Convenient so I don't feel like a total loser/weakling.

And I need to start strength training again or something. I'm so physically weak I make myself sick to think about it. Too much playing RPGs and having a character that can just tear through enemies. And here I am. Most people could clobber me without second thought. I hate it. But what am I complaining about? I have TIME to train. I have a healthy body to train! I am going to SHUT UP NOW.